Lists

I have about ten different lists of things I need to do. I have my work list for my job of projects that are coming due. I have my school list of projects, papers, and tests that I have to research, write, and study for. I have my graduation list of people I have to see, tests I have to take, and forms I have to fill out. I have my grad school admissions list. My prep for Russia list, my daily errand things to do list, and my list of lists goes on. In all this chaos I cry out that I am only one person with only 24 hours in a day! Can you relate? That was a rhetorical question because I know you can! We are so busy! I am taking a minute of timeout and I find myself asking where is my list of praise for the things God has provided to bolster my faith in His providence and timing and divine appointments? Where is my list of things I have already accomplished? Where is my list of victories already won? Where is my list of important things in my life like friends, family, health, and my savior? Right now I am going to list the big stuff that truly will matter in 5 years when this weeks chaos is forgotten and I am on to knew things to stress over that won't matter 1o years down the road. Ready? Here is my list...
My wonderful friends and family that have loved me for who I am warts and all,
My God who invited Himself into my world and then invited me into His,
My beautiful niece and nephews (I know I already mentioned family but they are so cute I had to mention them again!),
My obedience to God's calling for me right now in this moment,
My health. Everything is beating and pumping like it should,
My capacity to experience joy, love, fear, hurt,

I am honestly struggling to come up with other things that are really vital and important. Basically I have my relationship with God and my relationship with people. If I don't graduate God still loves me and is proud of me. I still succeed in God's eyes because I am following His will. If I get to Russia or not is really up to Him. The list of important stuff is pretty small unfortunately I spend a rather small amount of time sweating the big stuff and a large amount of time sweating the small stuff. So here is my plan. Do the best that I can, trust God for the rest, and know I am loved.

P.S. Take a moment to make your own list of what really matters and add that I love you to it.

Fear

Fear is one of those things that we like to avoid. So much human energy is spent in trying to avoid fear. We work to pay our bills so that we won't starve or be homeless. We are careful when investing emotionally with people never going too far in in case we get hurt. The list goes on and on. Fear rules our lives. Fear set in for me today. I really believe that this is where God wants me right now, preparing to go to Russia but I'm scared. I embraced fear today. I lived in the weird middle ground of trusting God and feeling the fear of the unknown. I cried today. I believe that I am following God and I believe that if He wants me in Russia He will provide but I know there will be moments when I hurt. There is this Jewish story about a father that is teaching his son not to fear. He tells his son to climb up on the first step and jump. The son obeys and the father catches him. The father tells the son to go up to the second step and jump. The son obeys and the father catches him. The process is repeated for the third, forth, and fifth step. Then the son goes up higher jumps off and the father moves aside and the son falls on his face. The father says to the son "That will teach you." The son learned about life both love and pain. "Listen, O Israel, the God of love and the God of fear are one." Fact, God loves us. Fact, we experience pain. Russia is going to be a great experience but it will have its painful moments as well. I fear the times when I will ache for the familiar. Times when I will be lonely and scared. Times when I will not know what is going on. Preparing even seems like such a daunting task, raising money, filling out forms, getting insurance, supplies, plane tickets, visas, and on and on and on. Fact, I am excited. Fact, I am scared. Fact, God is good. Fact, he will let me fall to learn. Maybe the cure for fear is to embrace that we will get hurt and stop avoiding it.

Preperation

Initially when I first go the phone call that I was accepted in the program to teach in Russia or Central Asia for a year I was ecstatic. I mean my voice got that high pitched shrill sort of girly scream that we are all ashamed to admit has escaped our lips a few times. I was dancing in the shower and humming the rumba but then reality set in and I thought "Oh crap! How am I going to be able to do this?" How am I ever going to be able to raise that sort of money, teach my own class for a whole year, and get a years worth of clothing let alone supplies into two bags?! Most importantly how is a native Nashville girl going to be able to deal with being really really really cold for 9 months? As reality set in I kind of turned to God in my mind and said "What have I gotten myself into?" But then I remembered I did not get myself into this God did. I sort of relaxed a little and went oh yeah this is YOUR problem God. So here I am a little trepidacious but stepping out in faith knowing my toes are going to be cold for 9 months but also knowing it will be worth is. I love the Russian people. I really really do so somehow I will get all the money raised, get all the forms filled out, and get my fanny to the other side of the world in literally just a few months and that somehow is a someone-God. Pray for me please because I am going to need it. I am going to get homesick because I am already missing you and I have not even left your side yet. I am going to go through culture shock and at some point not love the Russian people so much for a little while but think they are stupid because they are not like me. Most of all I am going to be a light and God's love in a very very hard place to people whose hearts are cold to hope and cold to the gospel. Pray that God's light and love shine through me even in the dark times and that He begins to thaw hearts for His glory.